The Answer Is I Don’t Know, Right Now

Disclaimer: This post IS directed at many people and most of the people that this is directed to I do truly love. So please don’t take my feelings and words to offense. I am merely just ranting, with the hope that maybe this will change your mindset. (I would like to remind you, that you my friend have clicked this link and are now in my territory.)

So first off I would just like to say that my inspiration is running a little dry this week. Hence a second blog post that has me just ranting away for all the Internet to read.  

Rants are very helpful to me because it gives me a release and gives me a chance to gather my thoughts and hopefully use them for good. So lets get into it shall we?

Okay, so as previously written this post is directed at many certain people. This post is directed at the lovely, joyous people, who feel the need to constantly ask me my least favorite questions in all the earth.

These questions include but are not limited to the following:

-What are you doing with your life?

-What school are you going to next year?

-Have you decided yet?

-Or the ever so subtle, how are you doing? followed by with your decision.

Now before I make anyone feel guilty or hurt, I should probably say that yes it is okay to care about me, worry about me, and even wonder sometimes about me. (Believe me I do, all the time.)

So you see when you ask those "simple" questions, they make me feel rushed, anxious and it leaves me believing that I will never come to a conclusion about what I want. I am probably one of the most indecisive people in the world, and when you ask about things that I can’t really see that far, or things I’ve been relentlessly praying about and still haven’t seemed to have gotten an answer. (Or at least an answer I wanted.) It makes the decision making process even harder for me.

So those of you who really desire and care a lot about what I am doing with my future, please continue to read on. 

Hopefully this post will give you some insight and maybe some answers to my ever confusing and silly brain.

So here you go. The answer to all of the questions you ask is, That I Truly Don’t Know, Right Now. Maybe some of you are disappointed by this answer. But guess what? GET OVER IT. PLEASE! For the love of all that is good and enjoyable in this world, just give me a break, just let me have a little peace to think. I understand you care for me and love me but just give me some time please.

You may not see the endless days and nights I have cried just by thinking about my future and you may not hear or see me constantly praying 'God please just give me some idea about what YOU want from my life.' But I do, I live these moments and days! I live those days that are just hard and filled with the never ending thoughts. I live those days that are sometimes filled with tears, anxiousness, depression and just overall defeat. I live those days that I am just constantly fighting and wrestling with God just to try and get myself to a good place. My point is I live with all of that day by day instead of rushing into an easy and quick decision. Why?

Whether I am thinking about college, money, a job or just what I will wear tomorrow, I try my hardest to please God with everything I do. (Do I fail? Yes all the time.) 

I am not rushing this decision just to get it over with or to please people. I am not basing my future off where my parents, friends or family want or think I should do. I am trying not to even base this off of what I want. I am not my own. I was bought at a price and I am trying to live my life in a way that will set me up to follow the Savior of the World FOREVER. Right now I am not exactly sure what or where that looks like for my life. But I do know that sometimes I am overwhelmed by fear, I like to know what is going to come next. But I know fear is I lie that is meant to make me look away from all the amazing things God is doing in my life and in my heart. He has been working on me for so long and I am so blessed He has and never will give up on me. I have many aspirations and desires about what I want with this life, but I trust God has my best interest and He knows the desires of my heart and He will never leave me alone in the dark struggling.

I don't know what else to say other then that. 

As always, Through My Filter.